My complaints, My complaints

Why must we open all other doors?

2008-07-13T17:54:52Z

1. I never update this
2. No one reads it when I do
3. I think its time for a come back

Reasons

2008-05-16T02:51:49Z

Why do I even have this? No one reads it.
And I never have anything worthwhile to say.

---
Should I forge ahead or give up?

NO. 8169

2007-07-02T19:44:31Z

I could either collapse into sleep or keep myself awake and caffeinated working 60+ hrs. a week. Shopping by myself, my self prescribed retail therapy keeps all my anxiety about next semester from pouring out all over the place. On this side of summer, Autumn is looking messy and terrifying, full of risky business that might leave me feeling lonely and displaced (again). Whatever, I need to get over all my fears, just well enough to learn to hide them. And while I'm at I'll learn to play-act confident and present myself with shining eyes and style. Look at me! I'm interesting and so post modern, with a pinch of avant garde. Please be my friend.

I'm pathetic, but hopeful.

Junebug

2007-06-27T13:08:54Z

All I've done so far is work. I'm trying to save money but so far its not working. I lack a circle of friends, a true sense of independence, and a believable smile. My parents don't have time to spend with me, they have church and friends with terminal illnesses and ailing relatives. I'm losing weight but not fast enough, I still feel like an ugly shell of a girl (an imposter). I'm tired and I'm scared about next semester. That I won't fit in, that I won't make friends.. that I'll fail all my classes. I dropped Psych for English, making it minor and the latter my major. Next summer I'm going to take classes full time, hopefully adding Journalism so I can have more options for a career after racking up four years of undergrad debt. In order to finish it all in time I'll have to do a credit overload (that's fine).

I feel displaced and insignificant, like there's no one around to take notice. I still hate summer and all the happy faces taking cover under its hazy yellow sun.

Don't ask, don't tell.

2007-06-11T16:13:51Z

There's nothing glamorous about my days. I always stop myself from keeping an account of them because they lack pizazzaz. Work and sleep M-F, between Greene Tweed and Borders, one of which requires uniform black and white. A cafe barista making drinks for the suburban literati for 7.50, maybe more. Weekends with late nights that quickly slip into morning need to stop. I miss sleeping in my own bed. Enough with the allusion and metaphor, here's the skinny on the ordinary.

I've been working on fixing up my room(s). My bedroom, the spare room, and my bathroom all need a lot of work. Aside from sorting through clothes and unpacking boxes from last semester, the walls need to be painted. I found rugs for the floor (one blue, one green) and thanks to local thrift stores I found a few vintage pieces for my walls. Pictures will be posted at a later date.

I'm going to try to do the whole 'personal improvement' thing this summer. Lose weight, read more, better clothes, whatever it is that makes me seem more interesting. Superficial I know, but seriously I don't want the rest of college to be like it was at Gordon. I want people to think I'm interesting, I want them to think I'm cool, to see me around and wonder who I am because they want to be my friend. Its almost pathetic how much I want to find a clique of pretentious indie 20 somethings to hang around with. I need a group of friends, otherwise college will socially end up being very much like high school. Despite what I might tell you, all I want is to fit in. I'm terribly cliché, not original at all.

Random List of Things to do:
1. Redecorate bedroom / spare room/ bathroom
2. Read 2 books per month
3. Lose 20 lbs. before Aug. / work out every day
4. Save money / Revamp wardrobe
5. Write more often, even if it's crap
6. Register for the Fall semester

Oh, and my birthday is Wednesday which I'll spend at work.
8-4:30pm, Greene Tweed and 6-10pm Borders. Awesome.

He killed her because he couldn't let her go.

2007-03-13T05:09:11Z

I will think of something better to say when the hours
add up to the afternoon. I'll fashion a sentence fitting
and clever. And I swear I'll find a way to forget you.

Acid Rock

2007-02-20T06:07:28Z

My feet are cold. I'm sitting in my bed trying to clear my thoughts; the prelude to a tossing-turning night. The past few weeks have have weathered me emotionless. I made a few mistakes, read people wrong. Probably lost a friend; maybe two. I'm lonely, tired, and starting to realize that my years of undergrad will be the worst yet. I skipped a few classes today, and on Friday; shook Matt Pryor's hand and thought about a boy who I can't seem to get over. I'm trying really hard, really I am.

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the realization that no one will ever fall for me. That I'll never experience the epic sense of love and immediate loss hidden in the lines of all the overly dramatic songs I feed myself through headphones and speakers. I could cry myself to sleep, like I did last week; shape up and start making changes. But I honestly don't believe there is anything that will bring me to a place in close proximety to love; or at least misread attraction.

People think that I exaggerate, but I really am the girl no one falls for. I've never been on a date and tend to fall consecutively for guys who'd rather just, 'be friends'. A nice way of turning me down; the charitable send off, "You have a great personality, but.." I swear I'm not petty but after awhile, all this rejection's left me feeling unwanted, un-pretty, and lonely. And after typing all these flawed and failing words, nothing will change, because I'm the girl with the personality and an impressive LP collection.

Will you be my Valentine if I'm a world away?

2007-02-12T16:31:14Z

Letters sent in vain. No reply to sender.

I don't give a damn about you or this town no more

2007-01-23T21:03:10Z

I give up on the following:

The idea of romantic LOVE
Fitting in
Mending past friendships
Trying to be social
Loving myself

....

Whatever. Right now all I will admit to caring about is school, writing, music, movies, dropping 20lbs, and overly dramatic teen dramas. My life feels empty, but I'll get used to it.

I'm not that basic, I swear

2007-01-12T19:32:00Z

I feel guilty glancing at photographs of you, sneaking deliberately momentary looks into a life that excludes me. Remind me why I have always been the common denominator of loneliness in the equation of your heart; lower in proportion, the disillusioned divisor. Equal or unequal to the fractions of a whole you left me as. But please, do not miscalculate: I’ve learned to face the world, head high and chin up, spending the sum of my days asleep (in dreams, loneliness is remedied, by REM; a cure for fatigue).

......

And then there is the threat of never finding you; the boy of my dreams. The one I’m supposed to fall head over heels for and consequently grow old with. Where have you been? Go ahead, come out of hiding before I grow tired of your legendary existence; because I can always stop believing (just say the word and I will, go ahead, I double dog dare you). Before I was five, I gave up on Santa Clause, his ruddy red cheeks and glowing eyes of Christmas cheer. The following year the Tooth Fairy flew away forever reminding me to floss and brush twice a day. And on the verge of twenty, I will give up on the boy of my dreams; kiss goodbye the nameless face that could have braved each passing day in confidence of my flawed and pronounced love. Upon his absence I will conclude and conspire against that age old tale, Prince Charming and all his friends won’t reach me. I’ll grow old alone, with nothing but a shadow by my side, and be better for it, since high hopes only lead to harder falls.

....

2007-01-07T17:02:07Z

How can I keep from being lonely? Should I pick up a new hobby, lose myself in the pages of a familiar book? Or should I simply sit around and wait for someone to come along, take me by the hand, and distract me from all of this...

I've been feeling left out lately; perhaps a little displaced.

Compose and Propagate

2006-12-25T08:34:45Z

I need to learn the art of honesty when it comes to pen and paper. With all this time on my hands I have no excuse to avoid the pages that mock me in my attempts to fill them with what ifs and nostalgic regrets. So I
will face my fears, keep my cowardice in the back of my mind, and let my unimpressive sentences propagate and compose themselves, in spite of my shortcomings.

24/7

2006-12-12T02:46:56Z

I stayed awake with the moon and the sun. Four hours shy of a day, and then I passed out. I stayed awake so I could write something worth reading and I'm still not sure if I've accomplished my goal. After sharing recent excuses for poetry and prose with a peer, I was told that I am terribly cliche. Its going to take a while to get over that. CLICHE.

I'm sorry.

2006-12-10T08:01:52Z

I am forever getting lost between my regrets and what ifs. Every action, every word, every hesitation and miscalculation, only brings me closer to the thoughts I keep pushing to the back of my mind. The ones that keep me up all night and make me sleep all day, between sheets and blankets that try their best to keep me warm and fail time and time again. The snow was a godsend, cold, white, and isolating the gray patches of sky from the icy landscape below. I fell asleep with my clothes on, waking up in enough time to know I was too late to get to class in time. I stayed in bed, with the covers up to my chin, safe from the cold, but not from my thoughts. So much for learning to love myself, this semester is on its latter days and in spite of myself I am giving way to the melancholy of December. And its all become so familiar, the highs and lows; I can't articulate what I feel, as of yet. But I know that I don't feel like myself. And its getting harder to recall what feeling like myself is like. I wish I could explain myself, write it all out in neatly structured sentences, but I can barely write, I can barely speak without regretting every word that slips out.